lately

I'm not sure I believe in g-d anymore. I'm not sure I don't either. Either way, I still pray. Maybe it's sheer optimism.

I pray differently though.

I pray that someone hears me. That my prayers would fall on the heart and ears of a g-d who is real, and who might actually give a crap about me and the world around me.

I pray that if there is a g-d, it is one with patience for inquiry, uncertainty and cynicism. That if there is a g-d, it is one who might honor an intellectual struggle, and a desire for spiritual integrity. One that does not require blind, unquestioning faith.

I pray that my hopefulness would always outweigh my skepticism.

I pray that I won't screw up my children too spectacularly. Or at least not too permanently while I figure stuff out.

I pray that if there is a g-d, and it is the one I thought I knew before. The one I thought knew me before, that He might meet me where I am. In this moment. In my skepticism, in my disbelief. That He might show Himself in a way I can't mistake or explain away.

That's how I pray these days.