yoga

I am five months into a year-long yoga teacher training. It's given me the opportunity to read and meditate and contemplate, in a way that I haven't done since I was in the throes of my faith crisis. I like it.

There's a phrase you hear a lot in the yoga world. It goes something like, "let go of that which does not serve you." I find it really lovely and helpful.

Let me explain. When I was a Christian, I was always really conflicted. I found a lot of truth and meaning in some of the scriptures. But the crazy stuff --- the violence/genocide, and the misogyny and the homophobia to name just a few -- always left me cold. And, more importantly, it didn't square at all with my experience of people and the world. It was a big reason that I first started to doubt the whole thing. But in Christianity you can't really pick and choose. I mean, people DO, but you always feel like you're not supposed to. Or you at least have to do some serious logical and theological gymnastics to explain away why it's really okay that you are doing so in this specific instance. All or nothing, right? It's either true or not. The bible is either the word of god or it's not. Anything less is a slippery slope. That used to be where I lived. And struggled.

The idea of "finding your own truth" used to scare me a bit. But now, it doesn't. I embrace it. And while I honestly think that everyone does it to some extent (I don't know many people who are living Leviticusesque laws in their everyday worlds), I'm more honest about my intention now.

As I read yogic texts (like the Gita or the Hatha Yoga Pradapika or even the Sutras), there is a fair amount of crazy. Or maybe not crazy. But a fair amount of stuff that is at the very least, irrelevant for my life in this time and place. But the lovely part is, I don't have to embrace it all blindly. I don't have to feel like I'm not a "true yogi" because I don't live in a windowless hut, near a stream with a dirt floor. Or because I don't see the amazing value of "inner cleansing" (i.e. the ancient yogis were big into enemas, it seems!). Or whatever. Fill in the blank. I can appreciate the meaning and the beauty in some of it. I can use it in my own life. And I can let the rest go.

Check out this quote.

What I've made my peace with is this: finding my truth doesn't mean doing whatever the hell I want. It's not a free for all. Because the truth is, that kind of mind set doesn't lead to health or happiness for anyone.

Here's what I focus on. What brings me peace? What makes me more compassionate? More loving? More content? Less angry. These are questions that can be answered outside of a dogmatic belief system. For me, I would say they are questions answered more easily outside of dogmatic belief system.

Who woulda thought??

here

Sometimes, when I think back over two years and how much has changed, I think, how the hell did I get here? Which is why I was happy to come across this poor, neglected blog. As I skim back over my words, I remember the why and the how of leaving a faith that was once so real and so true to me.

So now, I am in my post-faith-crisis world. I find myself firmly rooted outside the Christian circle that was once home to me. This world felt ill-fitting for a long time. And it still does every once in awhile. But mostly it feels really honest. And in this post-faith-crisis world of mine, the new challenge is no longer so much figuring out what I do and do not believe. But trying to find beauty and truth and meaning and connectedness in new ways.

blue

My husband sees losing his faith as an awakening. Freeing. He likes that Matrix reference of taking the red pill. If you are one of the five people in the world who hasn't seen the movie, sorry ... I'm not enough of a Matrix geek to do justice to an explanation).

I don't know though. On a lot of days, I think I might have opted for the blue pill. Because I think if I could go back ... back to believing all the things I once did, I would.

I posted these lyrics before, but I have been thinking about them again.

i've been painting pictures of egypt
leaving out what it lacked
the future feels so hard, and i want to go back.
but the places that used to fit me
will not hold the things i've learned.
those roads were closed off to me
when my back was turned.

On that day, I wrote that I wouldn't go back If I could. Now, I'm not so sure. I realize being spiritually and intellectually authentic is a good and valuable thing ... but I miss the familiar comforts of faith. I feel quite bereft without them. But I can't seem to find my way back to believing the things I used to.

When I first starting questioning and doubting, I would think about that verse that says "Be still and know that I am g-d." and I would feel some sense of comfort. Like even if I couldn't make sense of it all, there was certainty and truth in those words. But as I go on, those words no longer bring me peace or assurance. And I feel often like I am staring at a gap -- at a huge void. At randomness. It's more than a bit disconcerting.