blue

My husband sees losing his faith as an awakening. Freeing. He likes that Matrix reference of taking the red pill. If you are one of the five people in the world who hasn't seen the movie, sorry ... I'm not enough of a Matrix geek to do justice to an explanation).

I don't know though. On a lot of days, I think I might have opted for the blue pill. Because I think if I could go back ... back to believing all the things I once did, I would.

I posted these lyrics before, but I have been thinking about them again.

i've been painting pictures of egypt
leaving out what it lacked
the future feels so hard, and i want to go back.
but the places that used to fit me
will not hold the things i've learned.
those roads were closed off to me
when my back was turned.

On that day, I wrote that I wouldn't go back If I could. Now, I'm not so sure. I realize being spiritually and intellectually authentic is a good and valuable thing ... but I miss the familiar comforts of faith. I feel quite bereft without them. But I can't seem to find my way back to believing the things I used to.

When I first starting questioning and doubting, I would think about that verse that says "Be still and know that I am g-d." and I would feel some sense of comfort. Like even if I couldn't make sense of it all, there was certainty and truth in those words. But as I go on, those words no longer bring me peace or assurance. And I feel often like I am staring at a gap -- at a huge void. At randomness. It's more than a bit disconcerting.

manifesto

This is from a recent Yahoo News article:

Conservative Christian leaders who believe the word "evangelical" has lost its religious meaning plan to release a starkly self-critical document saying the movement has become too political and has diminished the Gospel through its approach to the culture wars.

"All too often we have attacked the evils and injustices of others," they wrote, "while we have condoned our own sins." They argue, "we must reform our own behavior."

Hmmmmmm ..... Interesting.

Read the full article here.

boyfriend

Losing your faith is so very disruptive to one's social circle . It really is quite inconvenient.

For example, it is hard to have conversations with people (who you like a lot, and who presumably and hopefully still like you) about a trajectory away from the faith you once had. Because it's the faith they still have. So even though you're talking about yourself, and about all the how's and why's that make up the process of losing your faith, it is difficult (and quite understandably so) for that person not to take that personally.

So it is a conversation not only about your faith and why you lost it. Or left it. It's also -- unintentionally -- a conversation about their faith. And why you think it's wrong.

It's kind of like ranting to a friend about how happy you are to finally be free of your jerky ex-boyfriend. The one who was lazy. And cheap. And always forgot your birthday. And had weird hair. And the one she is currently dating. And blissfully happy with.

It just doesn't make for a happy conversation.

So you have this defining issue in your present reality. And no one to talk about it with.

Very weird.